It's still late as I write this. I can't sleep, my mind is going through too many things than it should. Yet I still feel certain making this decision and telling myself I can change it back if my mind is in a better place.
Seems a lot of my mental state has to have more work to repair on. My sexuality (or at least the concept to me) is among one of them. Even with a kink as strange as the ones I have, I feel even more strange of not having or following any so-called guidelines when you're part of a fetish/kink community. That I feel even more of an outcast because my yearnings aren't as strong as everyone seems to show or do really do much with it. It's usually a miracle if I ever do. And I can't help but think if doing all these requests isn't helping it. It's like my mind is saying, "hey, you get to draw inflation all the time and because there are people who want it and it's it the only way to get you to draw, there's no need for you to be further aroused by it or even acknowledge it. Urges be damned;some things have to be sacrificed." So, I do wonder if that's the case.
It's sometimes like dealing with "normal" society, i.e. the rest of the world we're not a part of. They have their rules no one talks about and expect everyone to know those rules already and not have everyone be bothered to explain it everytime.
As hard as it is for me to do this, I might have to put requests on a much longer hold. That means for anyone who has requested me but not gotten to yet, those notes will be kept stored if and when I decide to bring it back. And anyone's that I am working on will be finished and uploaded from there.
While it has given me practice in my skills, I still feel like I don't see much appreciation or recognition that I would like. A few times I do get them, yet somehow it's not enough to be taken seriously for people to actually ask for commissions, even for something as "dirt cheap" as the price I listed might be. I certainly can't put it any higher or have a certain set price for types of requests since it's moot if no one wants to even pay for one.
Yet, hopefully, this is not to say I'm exiting this underground preference completely. Just leaving behind the stress and expectations I'm still confused by. I wish this wasn't hurting me, but it does. I have admitted to myself and others further that I have my problems, very deep problems that still stuck around. And it only gets harder from there before something actually better sticks.